Private Matters: Dissecting Shame and Judgement in America

We all have things that embarrass us. The little moments that make us cringe or more intense ones where we wish the earth would open up and swallow us whole. It could be something as simple as sweat patches on a hot day, or the awkwardness of being seen buying intimate products. Yet, these are all just normal parts of being human.

But do we judge other people for the same experiences? Or is there a disconnect between what makes us feel ashamed and what we criticize in others?

A new nationwide survey of 1,000 American adults aged 16 and over takes a closer look at the most common embarrassing moments we face. It also reveals if we’re as harsh on other people as we are on ourselves. Plus, it details how age, gender, and location shape our ideas about what’s “acceptable” and what’s not.

How Americans Perceive Shame and Embarrassment

Let’s start with an overview of the things people tend to feel most self-conscious about and how that connects to the way they judge others.

The survey revealed a clear pattern: Americans are far more critical of themselves than they are of others. But that’s no surprise, is it? We often reserve our harshest judgments for ourselves. Take urinary leakage, for example. 2 in 10 respondents said they’d judge someone else for it, but nearly 6 in 10 admitted to feeling shame about experiencing it themselves. That’s almost 3 times more self-judgment than judgment of others.

But here’s where it gets more complex: the more likely someone is to feel shame about something, the more likely they are to judge others for it, too. In other words, our personal insecurities may shape the way we see (and critique) the world around us.

Demographic data paints an even clearer picture. For example, men aged 35 to 44 on the West Coast tended to report the highest levels of judgment, while women aged 55 and older in the Midwest were among the least likely to judge others. In the Northeast, there was a noticeable tendency to be more focused on appearance, suggesting that regional culture shapes our sense of social norms.

Across nearly all groups, personal hygiene was a major source of both shame and judgment. Body odor, having food in your teeth, or sweat stains on clothing ranked high in terms of social discomfort and critique. These are all subtle signals of how tightly our culture links appearance to self-worth.

Another major trigger? Emotional expression. Watching someone panic, get anxious, or lose their cool in public made many respondents uncomfortable. Interestingly, while physical symptoms like falling, vomiting, or incontinence triggered high levels of shame, they were much less likely to be judged by others.

That disconnect hints at an inner narrative many Americans carry: we assume others are judging us more than they actually are.

Women vs. Men: How Shame and Judgment Differ

It’s fascinating to see how men and women compare when it comes to these subjects. They were almost neck-and-neck in terms of admitting to experiencing shame, with men just edging slightly higher with an average of 46% shame across all available options, compared to 45% for women.

At first glance, this might challenge the stereotype that women are more self-conscious, but the nuances tell a deeper story.

Women were more likely to experience shame around visible sweat patches or body odor (61% vs. 57%) and unexpected wardrobe malfunctions (51% vs. 46%). The difference isn’t huge, but it may point to the pressure women still feel to look put-together; a pressure shaped by long-standing beauty standards.

However, women were less likely to feel shame around buying intimate products (only 20%) and also less likely to judge others for doing the same (just 14%). This may point to a normalization around topics that were once more stigmatized for women.

For men, buying intimate products was a clear source of discomfort. They were 50% more likely than women to feel awkward about it. Their biggest shame trigger, though, was urinary leakage, with 59% feeling embarrassed. It shows how physical vulnerability is still a tough subject for many men.

But the more striking difference showed up in how the genders judge others.

More than 1 in 4 men admit to being judgmental (28% across all options, compared to 18% for women). They were especially more likely to judge someone for losing control due to panic or anxiety (1.5 times more likely than women). This might reflect discomfort with emotional expression or a cultural expectation for emotional restraint, especially among men.

How Do Different Age Groups Compare?

Are there real generational differences in how people experience shame and judge others? The data says yes.

Older millennials (aged 35 to 44) come out as the most openly ashamed generation. More than half (57%) say they’d feel ashamed across various experiences. The moments that hit hardest include losing control due to panic or anxiety (69%), urinary leakage (67%), and visible sweat patches or body odor (66%). Growing up and coming of age in the era of social media may have heightened their awareness of how vulnerable moments are seen and judged.

This generation also leads in judging others, with 36% saying they would judge across these situations. It echoes the pattern that the more people feel shame themselves, the more likely they are to judge others. Visible sweat patches and rashes were judged more harshly by millennials than any other experience was across any other age group.

While buying intimate products ranks lowest for shame among millennials, with 41% reporting discomfort, that still represents a significant amount of self-consciousness in this age group.

At the other end of the spectrum are older Gen Xers and baby boomers (aged 55+), who report the lowest levels of shame, averaging around 40%. Their biggest concerns are similar: sweat patches or body odor (60%), urinary leakage (57%), and loss of control due to anxiety or panic (54%). However, they’re far less embarrassed about buying intimate products (only 17%).

They are also the least judgmental group, with just 12% saying they’d judge others across the board. They’re the least likely to judge someone for a wardrobe malfunction (9%). We also found that Gen X (45-54 years olds) are significantly less likely to feel shame around vomiting than other age groups (40%), while 55+ are much less likely to feel shame around brain fog and hot flushes (24%), rashes (40%) and personal health matters (20%).

This might mean that as people get older, they become more accepting of human flaws or more understanding of what others go through. It could also show that priorities change with age and older adults care less about minor slip-ups.

What Our Zip Code Says About Our Shame

Turns out, where we live can shape what we feel embarrassed about. When we looked at regional differences, the Midwest, Northeast, and South all reported similar levels of shame. The West Coast reports slightly lower levels of shame (about 5% less than other regions) which could hint at a more relaxed cultural attitude or a different sense of what feels “normal” in public.

The West and Midwest were the least self-conscious about discussing personal health, with just 28% and 24% respectively reporting shame, compared to 34% in the South and 36% in the Northeast.

When it comes to wardrobe malfunctions, the West stood out as the least bothered, showing 11% less shame on average than other regions. On the flip side, more than half of Southerners (53%) say falling over in public is embarrassing, which is higher than any other region.

When it comes to judging others, regional differences reveal some patterns. For instance, the Northeast and the South also show higher levels of judgment around people discussing personal health matters (25% and 23%) compared to the West and Midwest, where those numbers are notably lower (16% and 18%).

The Northeast stands out for being more likely to judge others based on how well people stick to social dress codes, with 28% saying they’re critical of those who are overdressed or underdressed. This might reflect a stronger focus on appearance and social expectations in that part of the country.

Meanwhile, the Midwest comes across as the most accepting region, with the lowest overall judgment rates of just 20% on average across all categories. This suggests a culture that’s generally more forgiving of everyday mishaps.

Despite our differences, one thing’s clear: everyone experiences shame and embarrassment at some point. Understanding how these feelings vary across regions and groups can help us be a little kinder, both to ourselves and to others.

At TENA, we believe that embracing our shared vulnerabilities is what brings us closer together and that managing life’s challenges with dignity should never be something to feel ashamed about.

Sources and methodology:

All statistics unless otherwise specified come from consumer research survey conducted by Greenpark Digital on behalf of TENA in collaboration with MRS and ESOMAR accredited research consultants Censuswide. Nationally representative survey of 1,000 American adults aged 16+ conducted in June 2025. Respondents were asked two questions, with options to pick from set responses.