Introducing: Can't Keep It In - A Podcast by TENA

Angel:  Welcome to the can't keep it in podcast brought to you by Tena. I'm your host, Angel Akita Moore, and I'm here with a very special guest. Hello, Stacey. How are you?

Stacey: I'm good. Thank you. How are you?

Angel: I am fantastic. Now for those of our listeners that have been under a rock for the past 10 years, tell them about yourself.

Stacey: Yes. Thank you. So my name is Stacey and I am a blogger and content creator and my handle is the mint chip mama, because I love mint chip ice cream. Um, and I've been doing this for about 10 years, and I write about parenting, travel, lifestyle, beauty, food, um, lots of, uh, fun stuff for families in the tri state area. My kids are really into history, so kind of traveling around and, and making them learn stuff in between going to amusement parks. 

Angel: That's fantastic. So how many, We both have a lot of children. How many kids do you have?

Stacey: I have three, um, 8, 10 and 14.

Angel: Okay. So we became mamas at the same time. Cause my oldest is 14 as well. So tell me for your first child, what was it like preparing to become a parent?

Stacey: So I think that's such a funny question because when you're a first time mom, everything has to be perfect and researched and this and that, and then you're kind of like, oh, okay, I can throw a diaper in my back pocket and go out for the day and I'm okay instead of this like, you know, jigging the luggage that you carry the first time, but just, you know, wanting the best. And it's, it's, it was a new job with no manual, right? Which we all say, and now we kind of laugh at ourselves back then.

Angel: Right.

Stacey: And just kind of like figuring it out. And I feel like with each stage and our kids, it's funny that our kids are the same age with each stage. Yeah. There's still no manual like teenagers.

Angel: Yeah. We're just, we're winging it. I mean, Google has not shown us what we're supposed to do yet. We're just all trying to figure this out. So. Okay. There's a one hand of preparing for this baby, but how did you prepare yourself for the changes that your body was going to go through?

Stacey: So I was very lucky and living in New York at that time,there were a lot of really great events with a really great brands that I got to meet and interact with and really got to see the forefront of all of these products for moms and babies and everything possible that could be created to make your life easy. So I was very lucky in a sense that I came very well armed with all of these crazy products and a platform to share them on. So, I mean, there were some products that I had in the beginning that friends that had babies for years were like, where does this spray? What is this? What does this do? And I was like, well, let me show you.

Angel: Now, were they talking about incontinence? Did they ever bring that up? Cause I know for me. I'm the youngest of four girls. So I have all sisters. They had all became moms before I became a mom. So, I knew what was around the corner for me when it came to my bladder. Did your friends, your mommy friends, were they like, Listen Stacey.

Stacey: No, but I feel like it was an evolution because I learned about the big ice patch that you get. Then I learned about the mesh underpants that you get. 

Angel: Well, you know what, let's not, let's not, let's not just Skim over that. Okay. Cause some people might be like, what ice pack are we making drinks? In between nursing. Yes. Tell them about the infamous ice pack that you think. You're gonna put it one place, but you gotta put it another.

Stacey: Yes. So you're like, oh this is this an ice pack in case I bump my head. No, it is not Please sit on it. It'll make you feel better. Yes. Yes, so it is a Let's say rectangular shaped ice pack where one sits after childbirth to help reduce the Inflammation of said parts that were just used. Yes and then you Uh move on to the mesh underpants, which helps hold that and is just this beautiful, breathable thing that you wear post birth that just.

Angel: let's talk about these mesh underwear, disposable underwear that they give you at the hospital. I remember first seeing them and being like, Oh, wow, this is

Stacey: Is that a hat?

Angel: For me, when I first saw them, I was just like, what are these? But then I was like, these are the best things ever.

Stacey: How many of these can I put in my bag? Oh, there were none. Can you bring some more?

Angel: Yes. Yes, and I don't think I, that's one thing I don't feel like I knew about going into delivering my first child, was that especially the, the care, we're so focused on caring for this new infant that like is completely depending on us to keep them alive. Sometimes it's hard to remember. Oh, you're still a human being and your body is still healing and it's now forever changed. This is why I wish, I feel like I got lucky. We're in the day and age where there are products like Tena around to be able to help with a lot of that stuff. I don't know what my mother was using. I have no idea. I don't even want to ask her because it was probably sheets at the house. I have no idea. No idea. So, how big of an adjustment do you feel like you went through, um, after having your first child with your body?

Stacey: I think something that would have been helpful is in the beginning and the beginning of nursing, if there was a little more support because it was really hard and I feel like you expected it to come so naturally and it didn't and it would have been helpful. Just to kind of be told it's okay if it's really hard and it'll come to you. Um, I just remember. Like shaking from pain and, you know, and I got through it, right? Like we're women, we get through it. That's, that's the name of the game at every situation. We breathe through it, we get through it. And tomorrow's another day.

Angel: Well, first of all, I'm so sorry you went through that. Did you, was there a way that you found yourself a community? Because I think a lot of times there's two things that we sometimes don't get a chance to really address in our postpartum stage of life. One is the physical stressors, but then there's also the emotional stressors because especially as a first time mom, there are so many things that you're experiencing obviously for the first time and you're like, I don't know if I'm doing it right. I don't know if I should even be doing this. Forget if it's, uh, if I'm doing it right or wrong, is this the thing I'm supposed to be doing? Um, did you find yourself trying to find a community? Did a community find you? What did you do?

Stacey: So two things. Luckily, my pediatrician at the time had a lactation consultant. So I went in and it turns out I had a clogged duct. So that was a very easy, uh, fix. But nothing you knew even was something that existed before someone, you know, you have to mention it, they have to say it. It's kind of one of those things. Um, and I did find a community. And it's funny because I kind of, Change like the track of my life for several different ways. I had this incredible mom's group my first time mom's group Around where we lived on the Upper East Side and these are women that we're still close with now 14 years later We like my daughter's best friend is a girl that you know a mom that I met Yeah, the babies are a week apart and they're still best friends. We have other friends that we see, you know, in the summer once a year like that. So I think that first time mom cohort is so incredibly strong.

Angel: Um, I like how you put that. It's a cohort.

Stacy: It is a cohort though, right? And when we moved to Long Island, after we had our second, there was nothing like that, which was so bizarre. Like Manhattan is a place where there's so much of everything. And Long Island, everyone goes back into their house. And LA, you know, it's probably, I don't know, you know, suburbs kind of living, but you go into your house, you close your door, you do your thing. And in the city when you live here, especially as a new mom, you're out in the park, you're out for a walk, you meet people buying milk, you meet people this, that. So it just was a very different feeling. So I actually launched a parenting center in my town because I was like, Where, where are the pregnant women? Where is the support? Where's the new mom help? Where's a lactation consultant? So that was really cool and that kind of started my whole quest is like this mom crusader.

Angel: Okay, come on mom crusader, I love it.

Stacey: And you know, I feel like there's so many things that we go through as women, as new moms, as seasoned moms, as mom warriors that aren't talked about either because of the pandemic. They have a stigma attached or because you feel like you're the only one until, like many subjects, you meet someone, you meet a stranger and have a conversation. It turns out. We both pee in our pants or we have the same, you know challenges every day.

Angel: I think that I mean Specifically I feel like with this podcast That's what it's trying to convey is that you're not alone and a lot of things that happen to your body removing the stigma especially around incontinence. I don't think anyone really wants to be like, yes sometimes my pee comes out when I don't give it permission but in reality, that is the reality for a lot of people, whether they've had children or not, whether they're young, whether they're elderly, it's just a part of sometimes what our body does. And like you said, building community and just having transparency around it is something that like people like us who do create content online, a lot of the time, that is, uh, the, the fuel behind the engine of just like, Giving more information around things. Yeah. So, I want to get a little tea on what was parenting like for you? We've talked a little bit about our bodies and the stressing of trying to do things right. What was parenting like for you?

Stacey: Um, so I think much like many first time moms, I was very by the book with my daughter my first. You know. 

Angel: Well, you were, I was not. Okay. I didn't even know there was a book and I said, I don't need it Mother Nature to talk to me. So you were Yes. By the book.

Stacey: So by the book to the point that I think I recorded every, eat, sleep, and poop in her, eat, sleep poop journal for probably a good six months, a little bit Type A over there, which I

Angel: Were you already that type of person before the baby?

Stacey: I was, I am. I will be.

Angel: Okay. So it just cranked up as a, just cranked up

Stacey: Uhhuh Uhhuh. Yes. And that was fine because I feel like in a world of so many things out of your control, it was something I could control. And maybe that's, That's for my own mental health how I got through it, knowing that I had this much time until I had to feed or change or something maybe allowed me to check my email and breathe for five seconds. I honestly, I feel like it was such a hazy blur, right? And then when my second one came along, so I have a girl, a boy and a boy. When my first son came along, um, we were still living in the city and. Again, learning that, you know, man plans and God laughs, which is one of my dad's favorite sayings. Uh huh. My son was breech.

Angel: Oh! That's nice.

Stacey: And I, and I was like, I am not having a c section. There is no way. Don't give me a date. Don't talk to me about possibilities. I will lay upside down in an ironing board. I will swim laps. My mom came in and burnt moxibuxin or whatever that thing is on your toes. I was like, this baby needs to flip.

Angel: Uh huh.

Stacey: Baby didn't flip. Um, I said to my husband one night before I went to bed, very, very largely pregnant, and I said to him, I'm just gonna put one of those pads on. In the bed tonight and he's like why I'm like, I don't know. I just I don't know I feel like there's been some leakage. I just want to be safe. Yeah, i'm woken up by my water breaking With my breech baby and we call the doctor and i'm like, what do I do? It's early I haven't packed a bag and he's like you have a breech baby your water just broke. I need you here Immediately we got to get this kid out and I was like, so from that moment until my son was born was 53 minutes

Angel: Oh, wow. 

Stacey: Uh huh. And I was so freaked out about the c section and I walked in and I was like, this is no longer a choice This is what's happening. This is real. This is here and I totally just like found my peace and met my son

Angel: Adjusting to parenthood is definitely something that I feel like People talk about like the mechanics of parenting but not so much the understanding of who you are in that space and who you are outside of this space and how did you adjust to that because you were like I have this baby. But what was your life outside of being Stacy the mom?

Stacey: I think that You know, this is something I was so excited about for a really long time that I really embraced it and kind of shifted from being this like corporate career person to a stay at home mom, but also as someone that like can never actually sit still, it was like a stay at home mom and then I created a blog and then I launched a parenting center and then I like, I couldn't just like coast, which is great. Because that's fine. And I think it helps build community, which I think, like we said, is so important. And, you know, I'm also a firm believer that like the universe gives you what you need. And I think that doing these things brought the people that I really needed in my life, into my life, which I love.

Angel: And I think for you being a, um, a girl mom, see, I have all boys, but my boys do still know what's happening to their mom. I try to allow them to have a window to the changes happening. Yeah. With, uh, my body, with my hormones so that for them, it's also not this, like, what is, what is happening to you? So for your relationship with your daughter. Do you feel like she's aware of anything that's going on with you or she just really very much so like my body's doing different Things and I need to figure out what's going on over here.

Stacey: No, we're a very very open family We talked about all of these things. I wanted always to create a home environment that my kids could come to me about anything, with anything, um, and I feel successful in that because when she has friends come over, they come and talk to me and I feel like that's a really big deal. There's so much misinformation out there, especially now that I would so much rather teach my kids.

Angel: Yes. The stigma around like wearing anything for incontinence, I feel like has definitely changed and I'm glad that it's changing for the generation of girls that are coming up behind us because, uh, There's no reason to suffer and feel like, you know, something that you realize is happening to your body, it's happening to your body, uh, in trying to like pretend that it's not, no one is benefiting from it. It's not, not you, not I. So having products like Tenet, like their, their underwear, their briefs. Such a game changer. So you kind of talked about it at the beginning and I am big on this as well, which is building your community. Um, there is something when your friends, you probably had friends prior to having kids, but When it comes to becoming a parent, people hit those, hit that milestone, if ever, at different points in time in life. So sometimes your friends that you've been friends with forever, they're not going to have kids until 10 years after you, right? So it comes a point in time where it's just like, okay, I might need some people who have some of the similarities as far as in they're becoming parents right now, because we're going through similar things. intentional did you have to be in building your community and why did you feel like it was so important to do?

Stacey: I think that's a great question and getting back to when we said like the parenting cohort, I think that's actually a very tight cohort. I had a lot of friends, That had kids before me and maybe had a one year old or a two year old when I had a baby And that was not my cohort Those were my very good friends and my advice givers and my support system, but that was not my cohort people I think that you really need people right there with you with babies now It doesn't have to be a baby born the same day but like if your baby's three months old you need someone that's like Two to six months old to be your friend. And I think that's because you're so in it. And I used to joke that like, I need to talk to someone that's going to understand that I'm mad at my husband because he brought home Chinese food. And you have the friends that are like, Yep. I get it. And then you have the friends that are like, what was wrong with that? But you just need someone to be like, I get it why you're mad at whatever you're saying, and I fully appreciate and embrace that it's irrational. But I also feel that way. 

Angel: Right? No, I completely get it. It's so funny. Um, my kids are 14 and then I have nine year old, uh, twins and then a four year old. Okay. And recently I was talking to someone who had a, um, her baby is now a toddler. And so I said, how old is your, your baby? And she was like, 21 months. When I had a baby, that would not bother me. But now that I no longer have young kids, I wanted to be like, girl, just stay almost two. But I'm sure she has a community of friends where they're all still counting months. You know what I'm saying? They're all still in that phase. Yeah. So nobody is like, this is ridiculous. Right now. Yeah. Um, but so That's so funny. How, how did you find your cohort of mamas?

Stacey: So, I was very lucky, like I said, when I was pregnant with my first. I was living in Manhattan. I was living in the Upper East Side. And there were all these amazing events. There were these great organizations that were there purely to bring, like, pregnant women together. And I met this woman at one of these events who then started a group of first time moms. That we're all like living in the same neighborhood and we used to just have meetups where we would like go to someone's house Or I think we had like monthly meetups where sometimes we go for lunch Sometimes we meet at someone's house and then we all had babies because it was literally like we were all within Six months of each other. I don't even know if it was that wide of a range and So Just like, it was so funny. It was like one by one, it was your turn and you like jumped down the delivery slide and then it became like a new mom group and we would meet in the park with our babies and we would all sit around and we would all, you know, it was like one of these. You know, suns out, guns out, boobs out type thing. Yes, yes. Absolutely. And we would all just sit. But like, you need that and you need to be in an environment where everyone could just feel comfortable and safe.

Angel: Also, what I'm just now realizing in this conversation with you, because I feel like we are of the generation where building a mommy group was. imperative. But when I think back to my sisters, and I'm pretty sure my mom would agree that was not something that I feel like people were really seeking out because I feel like, uh, everything was happening within the family. Yeah. Meaning like you had generational help. You had, it wasn't just you having a baby. Your mom was assisting with the baby. Your siblings were assisting with the baby. We're now we're in a generation where a lot of us are, um, um, Uh, have moved away from our, our nuclear family. So we have to create these like tribes to, to learn certain things. So even like with these Tena products, my mother would have, unless her mother. Told her that, uh, certain products existed. She would never know where now you would have a network of 15 other women who. Somebody has that information now. Somebody knows, oh girl, you don't, you, get you a tint of liner, put that on, you'll be

Stacey: fine. And I think it's interesting because I think even looking at how the markets and trends have shifted as far as like where you get your product information from, right? I feel very excited to have a platform to share things that genuinely are Improve and change a woman's life.

Angel: Yes.

Stacey: So like as a person that is on this, you know, journey Yes, I get approached by lots of companies with products that are cool or delicious or fun or great But when there's something that actually can improve someone's life and I have tried it and I can talk about it and I can say that by using this, my day is better, which at this point, when you're like drowning and carpooling this and that and this, to find something that just makes your day a little bit better is the best.

Angel: Now when dealing with incontinence, it is something that I will never forget the first time of dealing with it. Well, first it came upon. With pregnancy. I remember earning a shirt. Now for me, it used to be in order for me to use the restroom for anything to come out, I would have to tell myself, it is now time. It came to a point where it would not ask for permission. It would just barge up out of my body. Right. And I remember earning some clothes and I was like, What just happened? What, what is this? So, from then on, I was like, okay, girl, you got to be prepared. It, it wasn't as bad after having the baby, but it wasn't the same. My body wasn't the same as before, so I realized, okay, we're no longer, me and my bladder are no longer in agreement. We're no longer in alignment. She's a little rude sometimes. She doesn't say, hey, hey, sis, you mind if I go out? She just be gone.

Stacey: She went rogue.

Angel: Right. Exactly. Exactly. So I know for me, especially with doing any type of activity where there's jumping, where there's jogging, anything like that, it's like, Let's get prepared because you already know what's about to go down. Ain't no reason to pretend like something else is going to happen. You know what's going to happen. For you, what has your life been day to day when it comes to incontinence?

Stacey: Well, one of the mantras we have in my house Gravity always wins and I think in this regard that also applies here and I agree with you you know throughout my pregnancy journeys it definitely was as there was more pressure on my bladder my bladder as well Developed a mind of its own. Yes. Um, and I feel like, you know, I, I can't remember the exact first moment, but I know that, um, in addition to gravity always wins. It is. I've taught my daughter that a good woman always uses a clean bathroom if there's one available. Come

Angel: on. Yeah.

Stacey: And, uh, we try to be on the offense instead of the defense, maybe. Uh huh. Yeah. So I think it's  just adjusting to knowing, um, How long you can go without needing to make a stop And being prepared and owning that and being okay with that So like if I go to the gym I know I need to go to the bathroom right before and then right after and hopefully I can make it home Um, and I think just adjusting and like using products to help. 

Angel: For me, I have all boys. Um, and they're, my nine year olds, they're going through this phase where they have to have protection on them at night. Okay. Because whatever hormone they're supposed to be producing, they don't produce enough to wake them up all the time in the middle of the night. And so I don't want them to feel any type of way because I know that they honestly can't help it. It's just like for me, it's just like, you know what? Mommy has to, has to have help sometimes too. And mommy is way older than you guys are. So I don't want you all feeling any type of way. So for, even in my family, in my household of all boys, um, I try to be very transparent about. The changes that my body is going through, specifically with incontinence, because nobody's out here wanting to, uh, have any type of leakage during the day, but sometimes it happens, and there's no reason to make, put any shame on it. 

Stacey: And I think, like you said, like, these are all involuntary leakages. involuntary bodily functions, right? So there should be no shame around something you can't control. And it's just natural. Like, no one's choosing to have these. It's just evolution of the body, you know, age. We haven't even spoken about, like, perimenopause, which is a fun word.

Angel: Great times!

Stacey: Great times! But, you know, I think, and like you said, and I think you said it so beautifully, As much as I have these challenges that I'm facing They're not that bad if the gift in return is that i'm here to experience them. and All of these things are really not that bad in the scope of you know, and I try Very much every day to to practice gratitude and every night with my kids before they go to bed I ask them to say three things they're grateful for and it can be as broad as you know, tomatoes to as specific as my warm, cozy bed. And I love that they can talk about all these things. And I always laugh because I'm like, I'm, I'm grateful that I have all of these different things that I can use to like maintain everything I need in my life and go about my business. Right?

Angel: Well, there's one thing, regardless of whether or not you want to be able to call your, or want to be called an influencer. What I think it's most important is that we realize that we are a part of other peoples. Mommy tribe. Through this virtual world where we create content and because I'm a part of you know millions of women's mommy tribe I do as well take pride in being able to share things where I'm just like girl Listen, y'all saw me doing these challenges with my husband. Yes, I did pee on myself, but it's okay because I had on my Tena and I'm not even worried about it no more.

Stacey: Yep.

Angel: So, um, I agree with you being able to partner in fine products that are very helpful, especially around topics that have some sort of stigma to them in destigmatizing. I love it. You're not going to embarrass me. That's one thing that's not going to happen. I'm not going to get embarrassed by something that my body is doing and Listen, as long as there are days that I get to walk upon this earth, I will accept all the things that my body gets to go through because that just means I get to be here, right?

Stacey: So I think it's very funny that I'm here talking about this with you today because I was joking that when I woke up this morning, I rolled out of bed and there was my warm, warm, literally warm welcome. Oh, wow. And yeah, and it's just but again like It's just part of life, right? And I had a great night's sleep. And I Sometimes you don't make it to the bathroom.

Angel: Sometimes you don't make it to the bathroom. It's okay. It's no shame.

Stacey: Yeah. And then, uh, then you start your day with a smile.

Angel: Like I made it to another day. That's what I'm certain of. Thank you so much for being so transparent. For sharing all of your journey through motherhood. And thank you for all the The great work that you're doing with you.

Stacey: Thank you so much. I appreciate it.

Angel: Thank you so much for watching and listening. Now, if there was anything we talked about that you can relate to and you want more information, go to shop.tena.us.

Angel: Welcome to the can't keep it in podcast brought to you by Tena. I'm your host, Angel Akita Moore. And I am here with Aaron, relationship, dating, expert, influencer, all the things. How are you doing?

Aaron: I'm doing well. I appreciate that introduction. I need to have you travel with me so we can get that introduction going down.

Angel: Oh, absolutely. I am a good hype man. Let me tell you, you know, you don't, you are supposed to be here. We're so glad to have you here. So first tell me. About the information you put out online because I hear you getting these people together out here in these Dating streets.

Aaron: Well, that's what they say. Is that what they say? So I started a brand about 12 years ago called the Know Your Worth brand. It's a cliche statement, but I bought the words, right? And I incorporated the words and trademarked the words, hence Mr. Know Your Worth. So, yeah. And so it comes from an angle of understanding your value, understanding your worth and understanding who you are. Who you are when it comes to dating relationships and personal development.

Angel: Well, I know when I think about knowing your worth, there has to be a certain level of truth that you're walking in. And with truth also comes transparency. And as you know, So, with us doing this podcast with Tena, there is something that I feel like a lot of people aren't very transparent on, especially men, and that's if they're having any issues with incontinence. So, how do you, what type of advice do you give people to have? Kind of navigate the transparency of any type of like issue they might be going on, but especially if it's with incontinence, how to be transparent about that.

Aaron: So when you think about it, I'm a huge component of effective communication, right? You know, with incontinence, there's a level of embarrassment there too, as well. You know, you don't want to go on, be out on dinner and say, Hey, well, I got a little issue going on.

Angel: No, not over appetizers. That's not what we're saying. No,

Aaron: not over appetizers. But it's one of those things that you do want to have a conversation about. To, uh, to, uh, to release those vulnerable parts, right? And, uh, getting someone that can actually handle your vulnerability, you know, uh, vulnerability is a huge aspect of it. I think in that gram of things, that conversation comes out.

Angel: So when you talk about effective communications, what are some of the keys to effectively communicating, especially with someone who you might be trying to impress or someone that you're like. I'm not quite sure, but you know, I want to give this a real try.

Aaron: But I think what that is, number one thing is, um, is being able to not only listen, but understand who you're talking to, right?

Angel: Oh good.

Aaron: You know, a lot of times in, uh, in, in relationships, you know, we want to come and go with the deep, deep, deep. Deep conversation, but the person that we're talking to doesn't, doesn't have the capacity to understand what we're talking about. So, so there's some hesitation and some reservation there to release your vulnerability, right? So, but, uh, number one, understanding who you're talking to, but also listening to them as well.

Angel: That's good. The listening part, I feel like  everybody hears, but understanding your, your audience  that you're talking to is key because there's some things that I think we might think a person, the other person isn't listening, but it's actually, they just didn't even understand what was said to them. So what are some tips that you give people who are trying to re-enter into the dating scene, especially after life has life for so many, you know, maybe even a decade for them?

Aaron: Uh, one of the things that we have to do is give ourselves grace, right? Give ourselves grace in an aspect of saying, okay, well, You want to be in a mode of, of, uh, not being able to control your emotions at times, you're going to be in a mode of being able to not, um, understand what's out there and you're going to want to probably pick the first thing that that gives you attention, but give yourself, but give yourself grace in a capacity of that. It's okay to make mistakes, but also understand that it's okay to be selfish as well. When I say that, I'm saying that it's okay to focus on you. You know, take all the time you need, give yourself time to really come to grips with the new reality of life.

Angel: Right. So in your experience, especially because I know you hear from a lot of the people who view your content and take your advice seriously. What have you noticed has been the biggest difference between like the people who are entering the dating scene at a younger age versus some of us who are summer chickens that are like in their, you know, 40s or 50s that are entering the dating scene?

Aaron: So one of the things I see a lot is, is competition, right? When I say competition, uh, say some that are now entering back into the dating scene, you see a lot trying to compete with the younger generation. And I say to that, man, it's, Don't don't compete with them. Don't don't have competition. Right? So, you know, that's where I say it's to the point where you have to get back to understanding who you are. And sometimes that may be hard because you've been off the market for so long. Yeah, but understanding the value you have within yourself, understanding the value that you bring to the table that you put out into the world. Um, Can really, really, uh, manifest a lot of things, you know, I'm a, I'm a huge component of a manifestation, right? So, uh, you know, whatever thoughts or things they manifest into reality. So how you view yourself. This is what you're going to attract.

Angel: Yeah.

Aaron: So if you're constantly thinking about, okay, well, I don't want to make this mistake. I don't want to make that mistake. I don't want to cause these issues. Those are the very same issues you're going to attract to yourself. So give yourself grace in that aspect.

Angel: So when it comes to being, um, someone who's being graceful in their, in their forties and their fifties, how How have you seen their approach to having to deal with the fact that obviously our bodies have changed, things are not the same, a 20 year old man is not going to be the same as a 50 year old man or a 60 year old man. You're like, yeah, we're different. So, is it, if you're in the dating pool with other people your age, is it just like a, like I understand what you're going through because I'm going through it at the same time or is it a thing where You're having to come up with the time to have certain conversations of like Please don't put no salt on the food that you're cooking me because I'm on blood pressure pills. You know what I'm saying? Like it's there Is there a time where those conversations are happening or is it because the, if you're dating within the age range that you're in, everybody's kind of going through similar things in life. So there's not really a conversation needed to have.

Aaron: So I think it's a, it's twofold. Uh, you know, it's dealing with the age demographic that you're in, but also when you're dating someone that's not in an age demographic, it's a, it's a, it's a little, it's a little bit of how do I approach that? Cause you think about it as far as with men, one in four men say, Suffer from, uh, urinary incontinence, you know, and then, uh, this, it affects 50 percent of women over 40. So when you think about those statistics, you know, and thinking about from a dating perspective, you know,  it's hard to have that conversation when you're not in a circle of people that actually. Experience those things, right? So it's one of those things where it can, it can, um, it can damper on your confidence just a little bit, but, uh, getting back to the understanding of, Hey, this is the forties out of new twenties, fifties out of new forties or whatever you want to call it. And understanding that all types of math, but understanding that you have to give yourself grace and the aspect, you know, our bodies, you know, Go through changes. I just had a conversation with my wife the other day and said, man, I can't believe 20 years just flew by so quick.

Angel: Them things sprinted. 

Aaron: Oh man, sprinted. And me getting up out the bed is different now than when I was 20 years old. So it's just. It's taking on that and saying that, okay, I'm, I'm grateful to be at this point in my life, but also I welcome all the changes that comes with it as well.

Angel: Yes. I love that. I love that. What advice would you give with talking about, and thank you for bringing up the statistic around incontinence. What advice would you give as far as in how to navigate that in a romantic setting? It's like, I think about all the things like in our twenties that were, Things that we were trying to not fumble when it came to intimacy whether it be at that time, you know Using contraceptive bringing up that conversation or if someone had to like disclose anything about their health That was always like, okay, when do I bring it up? But now and at this age In dealing with things like incontinence, how would you recommend navigating that in a romantic setting? So we didn't, we, we are no longer just texting each other, but like, it's just like, I, now is the time where I should let you know this because I don't want you to run into my nighttime underwear and be like, why yo, why does that look different than what I would think? You know what I'm saying? So

Aaron: So we get to the level of being romantic, right? There's a level of comfortability,

Angel: right?

Aaron: There's a level in the relationship where the conversation should be at a certain point. So I think, um, at that particular point, the comfortable level should be there. And having those moments that, okay, This is what I'm suffering from and not be ashamed of it. Not be embarrassed because a person that you're with at that particular time for you to be romantic with, you should be able to have established some boundaries or a level of where your relationship is going, right? It's, you're no longer in a dating stage. You're no longer in that stage of the representation phase, right? You should be at a phase now where like, okay, I see myself with this person. I see this going somewhere. I'm ready to open up and let that vulnerability flow to lead into a more romantic state.

Angel: I know two of the key factors in like successful dating is intentions and authenticity. So there are people who date with the intentions of, I just want to date. I just want to have fun at all ages. And there are people who date for other intentions, whether it be, I'm trying to find a person that  I can do life with or what have you, when do you feel like those expectations should really be voiced in a way that, you know, the other person can manage their expectations? 

Aaron: Most definitely. And so, uh, the thing is, I think that, um, You know, anything that you do, you need to do with intentionality, whatever level that may be touched on saying, okay, I just want to, uh, date just to date. I'm not, I don't see myself getting married anymore. I don't see myself being in something long term. But if you, but if you do see yourself doing something long term date with intentionality and be able to voice your expectations. In that aspect, because that's all about being intentional, right? If you, you don't want to waste your time, you don't want to, uh, time is the most valuable asset we have. Right. And so, uh, when you're in that aspect of being intentional, you got to be vulnerable, you got to show your emotions in showing your emotions, you got to. Pull the representation down, right? And let that person see. So I think at a stage, if you see yourself with that person and everything is going good and uh, everything is flowing and you have that longterm vision, have the conversation.

Angel: So how do you encourage open communication, especially for those people who are really like they're easily, they're easily scared away. They're easily embarrassed.

Aaron: I think it goes back to a point of, If you're in us, if you're serious about a person, do a list, stand by, stand by side by side list, right? Comparison of, uh, the things that you like about this person and the things that you love about this person, right? Two different aspects. You can like a person and not love them and you can love a person, not like a person. Right. So I think once you, once you do that side by side comparison, right. Uh, that'll give you the answers that you need to as well, if you're being intentional, but if you're not. It's going to be a rollercoaster cycle for you.

Angel: Say you have been transparent about some sort of issue that you're dealing with, whether it be incontinence or anything else, um, how do you elicit support, uh, or understanding from the listener?

Aaron: So one of the things, uh, that, uh, that you can do, you can offer to, uh, cause in that aspect, I'm pretty sure it's a lot of support groups, right. Uh, dealing with, uh, uh, incontinence and things of that nature. So one of the things that is offer to actually be in that support group with that person doing research to as well, to up your knowledge on whatever they, whatever they're going through, you know, because one, that is a person that's. It can be very embarrassing to as well to have that happen, uh, to as well, or having incontinence happen, but also it can be embarrassing to talk about it too, especially with someone that you're actually falling for.

Angel: So, um, in dating, I feel like. I think most relationships, not even dating relationships, a lot of self discovery becomes because the other person sometimes becomes a mirror to you. You begin to see how your behaviors and your characteristics of yourself impact other people. So I would love to talk more about like the transformative power behind dating and relationships.

Aaron: If you're, if you're in a, if you're in a relationship that's Of some substance, right? Um, and I say of substance, meaning that if you're in a relationship where, um, that person's impactful or their, their personality is infectious or, uh, just say like, uh, introvert extrovert, right? So some of that behavior, some of those, um, um, Certain characteristics will trinkle over to you and you'll pick those things up too, as well. Like me and my wife, we're night and day, my wife quiet. Um, I'm the person that say, Hey, how you doing? I talked to anybody. Everybody's a friend. I don't, I can go anywhere and make a friend, but with my wife, when we're out like at galas and dinners and stuff like that, um, first thing she, she'll look at me, she said, Hey, you don't have to talk to everybody. I'm like, that's me. But when I start talking, she starts talking to everybody. So, so it's one of those things where, uh, if the  apartment has that infectious personality or that, that, uh, the. infectious, um, just behaviors or attributes about them. It's going to trinkle over to you.

Angel: So when we look at, we talked about that a little bit before of like, A lot of times because of past trauma, it's very hard for people to embrace being vulnerable. Um, what do you recommend people do when they notice themselves starting to put up, I would say more like unhealthy boundaries? Cause I mean, I am here for boundaries, but I do feel like some people be putting, I'd be like, that's not a boundary. That's a fort.

Aaron: I'm a huge advocate of working on yourself, right? And if you're, if you're at a, if you're at a standpoint in your life, in your dating life or in your life, period, you can't be great for someone else. If you're not great yourself, right? And it's not saying you have to be a hundred percent perfect because nobody's a hundred percent perfect But the thing is is that the traumas that you have right? You don't want to actually take that into the next relation without dealing with it now granted You have other you have people that come into your life that can actually walk you through those traumas, right? You know and that's and that's far in between But i'm a huge advocate of uh, you know Of working on self because, um, we have to get to the core root of our life's greatest project, which is ourselves, right? You know, and, and dealing with that and actually coming to grips with those traumas and pain before involving others into that space will be very beneficial to as well because it, it, it, it unclouds your judgment. It unclouds the fogginess of your runway when you're out there and when you want to get out there too, as well, you won't fall for the. Same. Hey, sweetness. How you doing?

Angel: Yeah.

Aaron: You won't fall for the same things, right? But like I said before, There is far in between that you have someone that can actually come in, that can take on all that or have the emotional capacity to take on their emotions and your emotions and actually walk you through it too.

Angel: That's a good analogy that you use or metaphor of uncloud the, or unfog the runway. I do feel like that is a part of self work is just making your vision clearer, not just on yourself, but on other people. Because a lot of times I think we. Um, we incorrectly assign certain things to people where like, Oh, you're just needy. No, this person actually has expectations of you that you are unwilling to meet. You know,

Aaron: oftentimes we can project our pain onto others and not understanding that we need to work, you know, and I've been through that. And you know, I was, like I tell people, your story is not meant for you, it's meant for others. Everything I'm talking about, I went through. You know, I projected my pain onto others. I projected my issues onto others. I was perfect. You know, I was a perfect one in a relationship. I was a perfect one in an engagement.

Angel: It was nothing wrong with me.

Aaron: But when I, when I, when I really come to get kind of came to grips and looked in the mirror, you know, sometimes it's hard for us to face that person in the mirror, the first face, that person's looking back at us because now we have to face our demons and our traumas. And so once we face that and get with it, we'll be able to have an understanding of like, okay, this is why. Um, I wasn't able to take this to the next level. This is why I didn't have the emotional intelligence or the emotional capacity to actually be with this particular person.

Angel: Um, so, Open communication, trust, and mutual respect. I'm pretty sure are like the cornerstones of building a very strong relationship. Why do you think those are so difficult though to like nail down?

Aaron: It's, I think it's important, but also it stems from, um, traumas to as well, right? So if, uh, if you've experienced in your life or an experience in a past relationship, a person that, um, did not communicate with you at all. And that's all you've seen growing up. That's all you've had growing up to as well, but you've seen the trust in the factor too, as well. You're going to, you're going to experience that in your relationship. You're going to attract that into your relationship. So, uh, vice versa with trust as well, because it's, if you're experiencing my trust issues out there, your life, the smallest thing can break your trust. Right. So that's where we deal with those issues within ourself, right. Um, to, and, uh, dealing with those issues within ourself can help us to attract. Things that, that whole trifecta, right. But to each his own, right.

Angel: So with that, uh, I feel like this happens definitely when you have been in more of a seasoned relationship is bringing in outside experts. So whether it be a therapist or a medical provider, as we've talked about, like incontinence, I know for, especially you get to bring the male perspective, especially for men. I know a lot of times. To admit any type of thing is going on physically, you, you might, they were in between, like, why I got to tell you anything, um, how, uh, how have you seen people being able to navigate that? Cause I know couples where there's somebody in that relationship that's just like, no, I don't want that. We shouldn't be having nobody in our relationship. It could be an expert that they're asking to bring into a relationship. So how do you encourage couples to bring in medical professionals, whether it be for therapy or whether it be for health, uh, situations like incontinence, how do you encourage them to do that?

Aaron: Can be, um, sometimes, um, I wouldn't say embarrassing or intimidating to involve others into your space, but that's, that's a, that's a space that we're in if we want things to work. So think about, uh, just for men, you know,  and consciousness, that's a embarrassing thing to talk about, you know, because not every man is going to come and say, Hey, well, I have a, have a little leakage issue or something like that. So. Involving others in that space. I mean, that's, that starts with one within effective communication between you and your partner, uh, having that effective communication and putting it out there on the forefront, because in a seasoned relationship, you should be at a point where you can't have that vulnerability shown, they've seen you cry, they've seen your emotional side. So now it's time. I want you to be here for a long time. I want you to actually get the help that you need. I want us to get the help that we need and being able to effectively communicate that and spell it out. We. Perfect.

Angel: So we've talked about the trauma. We've talked about red flags. We've talked about all the things. What about celebrating love? Do you see that there are people that are still like celebrating love and being hopeful around it?

Aaron: But I think, I think, I think in that aspect, a lot of people actually want it, want that longevity relationship. They want the, the fairy tale. They want the, Just everything that comes with it. But the thing is, is like we're in a generation now, how do I get it? You know, that's, that's, that's the thing, because now you got social media, you know, you got the social media relationship. If you block me on Instagram, we broke up. If you block me on Facebook, we're not together anymore, but. That could not be the case. You got my phone number, right? You can call me. You can text me. Um, but I think, um, it's a little bit of both, but it's all about now there at what I've seen is how do I get that? How do I get that particular type of love that my grandmother had or my, my, my, my mom, my dad and my mom and dad had been married for 40 years, you know? So it's like now you have people asking, how do I get that? What's the secret? You know, communicate.

Angel: Well, speaking of, um, The, the whole thing as far as in like relationships getting older, there's definitely a difference that I've noticed with genders. Even the fact that you brought up the statistic earlier about men and incontinence. I would never know that because it is not talked about.

Aaron: It's not talked about.

Angel: But why do you feel as though men, one, don't talk about it and two, don't They get to age even more gracefully than women do, even though men are going through problems, they going through issues too, but for some reason they're aging like wine. And yet we're aging like a avocado in people's eyes.

Aaron: Great analogy, but I think it goes back to saying the same as we don't talk about our emotions too, as well. We're not taught, you know, uh, we're not taught to talk about those things. If you, if you didn't, if you, Think about it wouldn't know that one in four men suffer from that You know being able to say go to your friends say hey, man, I got a I got a incontinence problem. That's not a topic of discussion when you're talking about football or we're talking about the new car that we just bought or something like that. So it's one of those macho ego things too as well You know But it goes back to being able to be comfortable with who you are Being able to embrace  the changes that you're going through but also Uh Being confident with who you are as well. Like my wife, she loves my grace, right? And anytime I do any type of thing, I try to black out my grace. But I got to a point now, it's like this is one of the things that, the change in our body that I'm embracing, right? And, uh, and I don't do it anymore. This is the evolution of life, you know? Our body's gonna go through changes. It's inevitable, you know? And we have to, we have to embrace those changes, right? Male or female. You know?

Angel: I fully agree. I think as someone who's in the public eye, the more I embrace my perfections and imperfections, I actually, I feel like I reframed them. They're just parts of me. It's not, there's not a grade to them. It's not like, Oh, this is flawed. This is not, I feel like more people are like, Oh, well, I have that too, and I don't have to, I don't have to hide that. I don't have to pretend as if this is not happening. Um, I think it begins to change the outlook on everyone else. You know what I'm saying? 

Aaron: It's a chapter in your book that you're writing that you're allowing the world to see.

Angel: Just,

Aaron: just look at it as that. This is a chapter in my book of life.

Angel: Besides heaven. Your tenor products on lock. Okay. With you in your sleepover bag. How, give me some, if you could give me like Two to three tips on how to navigate incontinence in dating and just trying to have the smoothest, least embarrassing, very transparent type of situation with the person you're dating when you're dealing with incontinence.

Aaron: One, uh, like I said, it goes back to, uh, Not being, not afraid, being afraid to have a conversation, you know, uh, the person that you're dating, you're not just going to come out and say, Hey, this is the problem that I have. Right. Uh, because you don't know whether or not that's going to lead to something else, uh, lead to something serious, but one, not being afraid to have the conversation, but also embracing the changes that your body is going through and owning that. Right. I think when we own that our body is going through changes and going through this incontinence period too, as well. It would, it would take the stress off the whole dating factor, right? And off your bladder. Off your bladder. You know, it's okay. You know, it's, it's, it's a change that your body goes through. And being able to embrace it, have the conversation, uh, uh, confidently too as well can be effective.

Angel: Okay. So you got to embrace it and have the conversation.

Aaron: Have the conversation.

Angel: Well, thank you so much, Aaron, for giving us all the tips, the tricks, how to spot the red flags, how not to be the red flag and have an honest conversation about, you know, just aging and the gender differences and all the things that comes with relationships, romance and dating.

Aaron: I appreciate you for having me.

Angel: Thank you so much for watching. If there's anything we talked about that resonated with you and you would like more information, go to shop. tenna. us.